Christmas Chaos!

It is perhaps the most dreaded experience of all. No one REALLY wants to do it, but do it they must. Yes, it is again that time of year- Christmas shopping!

You spend countless hours walking around the department stores and malls. Your legs ache. The blisters on your feet pop each time you take a step. You have writer's cramp from signing so many credit card slips. Worst of all, you've lost the family car somewhere in the vast sea of Neon's, Hyundai's and SUV's. You wonder if you are in the early stages of Alzheimer's. You must be, you've already forgotten what you just bought.

Flash forward to Christmas Eve. You stay up all night wrapping presents. You KNOW the kids are going to love them.

At 5 a.m., the kiddies wake you up. The baby gently kicks you and says, "Dadda, why you sleepin' under the twee?" You jump up and wonder- why WERE you sleeping under the tree?

You scratch your head in wonder and hear the rustling of paper. 6 year old Suzie rips a bow out of your hair.

"Yeah, and why ya wearing a bow on your head?"

The kids start begging and pleading with you, eager to open their presents. Finally, you relent.

Suzie opens her first gift- a Barbie. She opens another...a fancy car for Barbie! She's elated! Now Barbie can cruise around town, looking for a new boyfriend. It took Barbie over 40 years to kick Ken to the curb. He was a real loser, and it took her that long to figure it out.

Suzie opens another package. Clothes! Bathing suits, ball gowns, and shorts. Skin tight jeans and slinky halters that barely fit over Barbie's shapely curves. There are shoes and hair ties of every color. Barbie must look sharp. Barbies clothes cost more than Little Suzie's "back to school" ensemble.

Baby Jeffrey gets all kinds of colorful, noisy toys. The toys come in all kinds of boxes. Jeffrey immediately chucks the toys and sits in a box. "Vroom,....Vroom..." He stands up and places another box on his head. He twirls around and around in circles, making himself dizzy. He crashes into furniture and people alike, screeching out his joy. You and your better half try to get his attention.

"Jeffie, look at the car." You demonstrate how the wheels go round and round. "Vroom, Vroom! Look at Daddy!" Jeffie whizzes by in his box, "Vroom,vroom..."

"Jeffie, put the box down and play with the toys!"

Jeffie has other plans. "No, play with box."

Ever so gently, you remove the box from Jeffie's hand. You furiously grab another toy and stuff it in his hand. "But look Jeffie, look at the Bob the Builder toy!" With the precision of a professional baseball player, Jeffie throws the toy clear into the next room. It hits a coffee cup sitting on the counter, causing it to smash to the ground. Jeffie experiences a major meltdown with crying too horrible to bear. You return the box.

Suddenly, Suzie flies by. "Vroom...Vroom! She is pushing a naked Barbie around in one of Jeffies boxes.

"Suzie, where are your new Barbie clothes?" you inquire. Susie gives you a blank stare.

"Where are the Barbie clothes and the car you got for Christmas?"

"I dunno...vroom...vroom." Away she goes to enjoy the wonderful new toys- Naked Barbie's and cardboard boxes.

I am purposing a way to make Christmas more affordable for the parents, and still be fun for the kids.

Skip the Barbie Volkswagen Beetle that costs $29.99.

Forget the Barbie clothes. With each outfit (don't forget hair ties!) costing approximately $10.00 apiece, that's about $100.00 in your pocket.

Save $100.00 or more on useless stuff for Jeffie. He doesn't care about the stuffed animals, cars and other boring toys. He wants the boxes! Go to the nearest store and get him a bunch of boxes of assorted sizes. He'll be happy as a clam. Give one of the boxes to Suzie to use as a car for her dolls.

Next take the money you saved on gifts and hire a babysitter for the kids. Go out on the town.

Eat, drink and be merry. That may be the best gift yet!

Ho-Ho-Ho, Merry Christmas